After lots of encouragement, suggestions, seeds planted, and even a few demands I’ve started writing the long version of my story to be put into book form. There’s a lot to write about, recall, and ask for accounts from other people who were there to help me remember details or give input from what they saw from the outside looking in. Its a daunting task, but I’ve started.
The best place to start was Timile and my story because that was the original adventure. Doing so has been interesting. Starting from when we met, began talking, and our first couple of dates has made me think about things I haven’t in years. Taking these memories that are pictures in my head and looking at them externally on a computer has made me laugh a little bit. Being face to face twenty years old me and my young decisions gives perspective. We all look back at being younger and think “What the hell” is common but puts into perspective of who we are now.
Of course, I’m looking back at these memories fondly and not so much as from a place of sadness. Who I was is just that. Losing someone in any context is hard.
I have a few friends who were married, had children, and are already divorced. When I talk with them, we all start off with the same mindset of “When things first started, I had no idea that this is how things would turn out.” Its very true. I think that knowing how things would turn out would block our blessings. To my young divorcees and widowers if many of us had known how things would turn out we probably wouldn’t have gone through with whomever we would eventually part with simply because of the hurt it causes ourselves, the seeing our kids act out, and somehow keeping it together for them like things are normal knowing you have to make a new normal and you’re dying inside. But that’s being young and not having experiences that have defined us yet. We’ve all learned things about ourselves that will somehow manifest itself later.
Eventually you won’t think about the hurt as much and the good times will be what you remember. As I’ve said before, I hardly think about the bad times, but just the times shared that were simply our everyday lives. Looking at those things and my child makes me think that something great came out of it. The manifestation of Timile and my good times that no matter how much an environment shapes her has an equal amount of our good qualities and a few that I couldn’t stand about my partner but makes me laugh a little because they’re just like her. As I’m writing, sometimes Cydney stops me and demands attention in the same manner her mother would. It makes me laugh because it confirms that what I’m writing out may be tragic but it was a great ride.
I guess I say that to say to those who’ve been there and those who haven’t but statistically that will change for about half of you to say it’ll be fine. Just look back and know there is a lot of good that will come from it. That can be in the form of preparation for the next partner(s) or if that doesn’t work out then the kids themselves. Its all a segue for the rest of your life.