I Want To See Timile

I told Cydney that Timile died yesterday…

After a long day of interviews, filming, and a meet and greet Cydney and I were taking the Long Island Railroad home. Trying to keep Cydney from falling asleep a little too early (it was 9 PM) without her bath and nightly rituals I was going over our day with her and asking her if she had fun. After I mentioned seeing Cydney’s beloved neighbour she was telling me everyone else wanted to see.  Cydney said “I want to see Timile.” I told her “You can’t see Timile, baby.” She didn’t ask why, but continued to say repeatedly “I want to see Timile.” After the sixth out seventh time I had to tell her “Timile died, baby.” She paused for a second and said “She died?” I responded “Yeah, baby. You okay with this?” She shook her head, said “mmhmm,” and didn’t ask anymore.

Cydney took it like a boss. I know she was processing what I had just said to her but she handled it well. I knew three time was coming for me to tell her. A couple of months ago I prepared myself after having a conversation with a friend of mine about Cydney and having to tell her about her mother one day. About two weeks ago, there was a dead slug on our porch. Cydney would ask about the slug and inquire why it wasn’t moving. I told her that it was dead. She responded “It died?” And I said “Yes.” The day before yesterday Cydney noticed that the slug was gone. She asked where it went and I told her it was gone. I didn’t want to say the d word again. She then said that the slug went away, pointing at the grass and insinuating that the slug went back to where it came from. That was how she handled death.

I was going back and forth with two of my friends last night who show the most care about Cydney’s well being. One conversation led how both went, really. One friend had asked me how did this make me feel and the conversation became me coming to some realizations while the other became a vent session formulating what I’d figured out.

What I came out of this with was that while I love Timile and always will, it is no longer an “In love.” In my mind and heart Timile would never be the elephant in the room. Telling Cydney about Timile was the hardest part of her passing away and that hurdle was cleared. Sure I’ll have to answer more questions but that was the last part of moving forward. If it comes to dating or someone vying to be Cydney’s stepmother, Cydney knows her mother is gone and while no one can replace her she will not keep an open place in her heart for someone she’ll never meet. There will be no unrealistic expectations. I think that goes for both of us.

I told my friends that Cydney knows what a mommy is. She calls Timile her mommy because she learned that. I’ve asked if she wanted a new mommy one day and sometimes she’d say Timile is her mommy and other times she’d give a suggestion. She never says “I want mommy” or some kind of variation of that, but she will say that about another person or two that she really cares about.

The conversations with my friends ended with me telling the first one I needed a sugar mama and the second one was me telling them that after a long day of assessing things about Cydney’s and my future it was appropriate that this happened. I then let them know in my own way where my mind was after a long day of evaluation capped off with the conversation with Cydney.

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