Everyone Tries To Marry Me Off…

I didn’t have any other picture to go with this post….
I have become that guy…the one that everyone tries to hook up with someone they know.

While others could-or would-possibly be annoyed by it, I find it funny. I get it. I’m 30; educated, tall, rumor has it I’m good looking, and seemingly a nice guy. Everyone knows someone who is nice and equally single and people don’t really understand why.

I am often asked “Why are you still single?” With a smile, I often reply with something along the lines of “I don’t know,” accompanied with a shrug. That is typically what they like to hear and it sounds a lot better than “I’m emotionally unavailable and incredibly selective with whom I deal with.” 

With bright eyes, people respond “I know a girl! She’s really pretty, she’s nice…,” they begin to run off said woman’s credentials. Education, career track, and then typically comes the hard-sell: “She doesn’t have kids and she has a body!” To prove their point, everyone pulls out their phone and shows a picture.

It happened thrice over the weekend. One of my best friends, Brandon, was in town for a funeral. We went to high school and college together, so his whole family has known me for umpteen years. I walked into the door, made my rounds, and right as I sat down, it started. Brandon’s family made a suggestion about one of his cousins. “You know Arbara, right?” I was asked. “Yeah, I do.” For the rest of the conversation, please refer to paragraphs above. 

Everyone’s suggestions come with the same caveat: they don’t live anywhere near New York. Being one of my closest friends and knowing all parties involved, Brandon shot everyone down and said “She lives in Indianapolis” to his family. The rebuttal: Right. She dances for the Indiana Pacers! I laughed and told them “I’m a [die-hard] Knicks fan who still hates Reggie Miller and all that he represents which is why I laughed heartily that he too retired with no championship.” For the record, the family was right about Arbara; she’s very pretty.

This became the subject of fodder while we sat around the table playing spades. I laughed and said “I’m the one everyone tries to marry off.” I told the table and the others in the run about my good friend from college, Chase, who is a newlywed and I guess wants me to be as happy as he is. I met someone at his wedding six months earlier and he’d heard about it. “We can be…!” He texted me and I followed with the punchline “But she lives in Dallas,” and the room erupted. There was another Chase story I wanted to tell about this anesthesiologist I was dealing with. His wife is one and he said “We can talk about this!” I didn’t tell that story because two of Brandon’s cousins know “Doc.”

Almost on-cue, Brandon’s wife, chimed in. “I know someone in Atlanta! She’s real pretty, she got a body on her, she’s a teacher, and she got a dope condo in a very nice part of town!” As she pulled out her phone to show off her friend, she told me “Just let me know the next time you’re in Atlanta and I’ll let her know!”

Once again, shorty was gorgeous; but there was that caveat. My boy came to bat once again, telling his significant other, “Chad can’t leave New York. He’s got two kids and they’re close.” The artist formerly known as $B has always been my go-to guy and voice of reason.

Once again, I don’t find any of this annoying or bothersome. I am very much entertained. Worst case scenario, I get to look at pictures of my friends’ pretty friends.

I don’t give the excuse of I’m too busy because most people know that’s bullshit. I once tried it and was told “A man makes time for the things he wants to.” The person who shut that down was someone I was beginning to date and she was right.

Upon writing this post, I reached out to Arbara to let her know that she’s partially the subject of today’s post. We both laughed about it. She told me that her family has attempted to auction me off to her as well.

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